The room was DARK. Everything became even DARKER. I could see NOTHING. I could not even see myself, if I was even present as separate from the environment. I was having a near death experience.
I do not want to start by mentioning about leaving high school as I do not want to seem STUCK in the PAST, but I am wholeheartedly admitting that leaving high school to enter the big wide world of which I was sheltered from and fear-mongered about growing up was quite traumatic.
I did not have my own IDENTITY, or at least, I programmed myself to SUPPRESS who I truly, deeply AM for a long time. I was CODEPENDENT and relied on others to be defined. Basically, I did not know how to stand for my own decision even if I knew it would be right for me.
Crash, COLLAPSE, sunken memories. My EGO structure was stripped down and turned into rubble of a dream validation. Not even a dream life, just VALIDATION as I suffered from extreme PERFECTIONISM.
I became a fish out of water who have spent much time in a fish bowl busy with study and staying low key much of the time. It was indeed enriching to cultivate my INTROVERSION, but there is only so much before I realise this is not ALL THERE IS.
Suddenly, I was feeling the whole world INSIDE of me. All the PAIN, sorrow, resentment, frustration, anger, hatred of human history within HUMANITY, I was feeling it all at once as a physical EMPATH.
Was it ANXIETY? I certainly felt anxious. But it was so much more than that, my SENSITIVITY to the world grew as it was all new to me. It was exciting, scary, OVERWHELMING and just very energetically taxing to feel the anxiety of all the first years in a big lecture room as I navigated my own progress on a personal healing journey.
I wanted to be a CREATIVE. Instead, I would just CRAP-FIT to my SELF DOUBT, telling myself that all will turn out well later like I have been most of my life. Science is socially acceptable, a stable career to pursue, you can gain a lot of insight, all true.
But that was not completely where my heart lay… I AM (You are) meant for so much more!
“The purpose of BIOLOGY,” the lecturer would say, a woman, “is to find a mate. That’s it.”
I SUNK when she said that. All the wounds of the wounded FEMININE and equally so the wounded MASCULINE would surface making me feel SICK in the stomach of how simplistically life could be viewed…
Back in the ‘Animal Structure and Function’ class again the week later. RUMINATING over the same line the lecturer have mentioned the week earlier. Feeling so downtrodden about my FUTURE, I thought to myself… “Is that all there is?”.
The lecture room was already dark (and gloomy), but everything became even darker than dark as the physical world disappeared before me. I became PURE AWARENESS with no reference point, no person, place, thing, word that would define…that.
I saw a LIGHT. It beckoned awareness forward. There were events happening within this white sphere or PORTAL of light I was observing. I felt the portal call me to step through to the OTHER SIDE.
I had only known about this phenomena where people would mention they or a dying person would see a light before departing. I thought to myself, hang on, my life is only just BEGINNING. I am not ready to leave Earth yet. I am going to stay, I have got work I still need to do here.
And with that DECISION, that vision dissolved as my awareness returned to the dream of sitting in the dark lecture room again. However, my whole perspective was forever changed.
There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with you. God has a plan for YOU. Wake up at your own pace, TRUST that all is truly well.
Shouting out to all the introverts and sensitive souls in the house .
Comment below a if you felt this story hit home for you.